Can someone even pretend to care?

Dear Blog,
   
     As most of you know I was in school the past month in California.  I have really missed being a 'real soldier,' and through all the waiting, and the BS I enjoyed school.  I missed the feeling of putting on the uniform everyday, knowing that what I did mattered.  I missed the terminology, the jokes, the Youtube videos that take up your time when your waiting on someone higher to make up there mind on whats going on. I miss the small stints of insanity that plauge your brain because you can't possibly understand why they make everything so damn complicated.  But most of all I miss the friendships that are made in such a short amount of time, and having other females understand exactly what you are going through when it comes to your kids, husband, and the way society looks at females in the military, and I suppose in any dominant role.

On another note here are somethings that I have learned in school that may only be funny to other service members or my fellow classmates....but I must add it in anyways.....

You know your in Army CA school when:

-You know everything about a person, social security number, children's names and ages, how much money they make and their life story but you have no idea what their first name is.

-On a break somehow Youtube always gets involved...because Honey Badger don't give a shit!!

-You never compliment anyone...it WILL turn into an EO complaint!

-Whoever the giant is at the front of formation needs to take half steps.

-When taking an Army test, there is no actual need to understand the material, all you need to know is the answer itself.

-When attempting to remember a question with many steps a small dance with correlated hand movements works everytime!

-When you result to dance moves from the early 90's to fill your time.

-When you know who shit under the bridge....

-When you go to the movies 3 days a week because you have nothing else to do.

-When you cannot possibly stand to hear 'drink water' one more time.

-When you know exactly how many days and a wake up till your outta FHL!


Well now that that buisness is complete, down to the deep mess....

  Can someone please tell me why it is that females in the military are treated like our job is less important then a mans?  I am assuming that I am speaking for more than just myself since I have talked to other female soldiers that have the same issues when it comes to our social norms.  In service as a female I have the distinct pleasure of proving that I am not a sh*t bag nor do I sleep around.  Outside of my job I get treated like the Army is just some silly hobby that I have that hopefully wil soon pass.  Need I remind some that I have served on active duty and got out not to 'fufill' wifely duties, but because it was the best choice for my family at the time.  The intention when making my unwanted early departure from active duty was to go back to school and upon completion return as an officer to active duty.

Now that I have almost completed that goal, and buted my hump to acheive my BA in three years, I am being second guessed about my life choices.  I went to reclass because well to be sweet about it I hated the MOS I had prior.  So Civil Affairs sounded alright...no cheesy video with soldiers running though fire.  (Sounds stupid but that is what my prior job's recruitment video entailed, well let me tell you five years.....never once ran through fire.) Anyways, not the point. Finally, after about 2 and a half years of what I call my temporary displacement from the Army situation, I get to return to active duty, even if just for  a month.  My moment to have right.....WRONG.  I graduate school and my daddy does drive down to see me, totally made my day.  But you know how it is when you graduate a Army school your fired up and you want to tell people how great your new job is and whats in store for you....not so much.  I got the superficial, 'How was school,' you know like you ask someone how they are doing.  You don't really care about the answer but it's polite to ask.  Out of everyone that I have seen since graduating one sort of asked me what it is I actually do, ONE!

Was this not my time?  Was this the whole reason we were in the states to begin with?  Nathan got asked about work and flying like usual.  Rockets and shooting were discussed, big shocker.  But not one person asked me what my new job was and how I liked it.  Oh I did get many, 'you must have missed your family.' Well yeah, we all do when we are away.  It leaves me wondering, is that all I am anymore.  A wife and a mother?  My passion, my job, and my future didn't matter to anyone.  I was so excited to tell people of my future plans and get some ideas on what the best course of action is for my future and received nothing.  I feel like I bust my butt in life and all I am seen is as the housewife, not that their is anything wrong with that but why do I work so hard for everything if I am seen as so one dimentional? 

Maybe some just didn't understand that I was dying inside and it totally breaks my heart that no one is proud of me too.  I put on the same uniform and am willing to do the same things as my husband but all I'm good  to talk about with is children and my spouse.  I AM more than that.  Why is it that after I got out of the military no one ever asked how I was doing, or what I wanted?  It's just assumed, shes the women, she'll get out so he can go fufill his dreams....what about mine?  The question in my mind is still....is anyone proud of what I do too?  I have written this because my feelings have been hurt, they were hurt in 2007 when I got out and I have held it in till now.  I'm not mad, but hurt....but I WILL continue working to MY goal, even if no one else understands why I do what I do.  But I want people to think, women in the military matter too, maybe next time you should stop and take a minute female soldiers,  miss your husbands, and our children, we give up holidays and special events, we train and deploy just like our male counterparts.  I by no means am saying that women are more important or vital than men....but certainly no less.

The day I fell in love with my husband....again

Dear Blog,

I have been gone awhile, in my defence I was busy in school....things to do people, things to do.  So I have had many topics to blog about in the past 6 weeks, so now I must do some catch up.  I had to start out with the most important...my husband.  My spouse has always been my number one....something I say so often but did I really mean it?  I remember five years ago when I first met Nathan.  I knew he was different but thought it was just attraction.  I knew early on he was someone special.  I could talk to him, confide in him, I told him things that I had never told anyone.  During the Christmas holiday I went to visit him in D.C.  Only my second time ever in the city.  He showed up with a rose in hand and that night showed me around the city.  Later that trip he took me to see a musical.  He had remembered that I said I loved musicals and he got tickets to one....

He showed me what it was to have fun again.  I remember everything with him.  The first time I saw him, our first conversation, our first kiss, our first time, and the moment I knew he was the one.  He was everything I ever dreamed my husband would be.  He gave me everything my previous relationship didn't, a best friend.  He made me laugh again.  He let me cry without being called stupid, he let me share my opinion with out getting angry even when he didn't agree, he shared his stuff, his life, and himself with me without me having to ask, he let me have friends without being jealous, he became a father to my son without even thinking twice.  He gave me back what I had lost before....myself.  And then on the steps of the Lincon Memorial he asked me to marry him.

So when did that all change?  When is the exact moment that we began taking eachother for granted?  The 'I love yous' became more automatic than heartfelt, the kisses were saved for goodbyes, and intimate moments were to check a block.  I left for school being sad to leave him and somwhere in between I began missing the little things.  The kisses and the I love yous...the real I love yous, the embraces, his smell, and waking up next to him.  I could actually hear it in his voice too.  When I graduated I was more than ready to see the love of my life!  We had two days all to ourselves.  When I got off the plane and saw him something changed.  I felt like we were five years ago and I just wanted to touch him, hold his hand, give him kisses, run my fingers through his hair. 

That night he took me to a resturant I have always wanted to go to in D.C.  We talked, ate, and drank just like we used to before.  The next day we went to see Will before we left D.C.  I held his hand and he held me and just let me cry.  In his moment where I should have been there for him, he was mystrength, and that reminded me why I married him.  That night he suprised me with a musical on Broadway....I have always wanted to see a musical on Broadway.  He was the strong, loving, caring, sensitive man that I had met years ago.  And when our date days came to an end and our boys rounded that corner.....his face just lit up.   

Five years later my vow is to not take my husband for granted, to show him and tell him I love him for everything that he is, because if I have learned one thing it's that life is not promised, and if either of us died tomorrow, he would know that he was truly my better half and I will always be grateful for him saving my life.  I love you Nathan you truly are my Saul Mate!  XOXOXOXOX



P.S.  I promise the next post won't be so sappy!!!